Coming Clean

I pretend to be my sister’s twin to get drinks

My 5th grade teacher made me a birthday cake, and then cut each slice with her hand, licking her entire hand clean after each slice. I had 3 slices.

I hate my best friend’s girlfriend. I’ trying to passively aggressively break them up.

Once I sneezed while making out. Twice.

(We’ve been married now 3 years)

I transferred high schools to chase a boy I met on Livejournal

I once shit my dress at a wedding… took off my underwear and kept dancing. oops. :(

After getting drink with some friends, we got hungry & went to the grocery store. I was so wasted I wet myself & threw up in the aisle & quickly ran away without telling anyone.

My little brother is named after me Mom’s ex-boyfriend and I don’t think my Dad realizes it.

I did a 1/2 tab of L.S.D. one Christmas ever at a family dinner with my WHOLE extended family. I hate cheesecake to this day!!!

I went on a movie date and had eaten a burger and strawberry milkshake beforehand. My date and I split a large popcorn and large soda during the movie. My meal didn’t settle in my stomach. I secretly vomited the burger and milkshake into the large soda cup (because the movie was almost over and it was nearly empty). She never fount out!!!

All of my friends think I’m 35. I will be 40 next month and won’t celebrate it. :(

I steal my neighbors mail

I let a squirrel die in a cage because I was scared to get it out.

My job thinks I graduated college…